I started to think this few days ago because I notice that my hubby had again take few new pictures to his porn collection and we had even put on his side of the computer a old girlfriends pictures. He had scan them from the usually pictures. I was thinking like what is this. We have already been married for 6 years and together from summer '98. I know that then when we started to been together this girl had left him and he was really debressive and bad in mouth about it. He was so angry on her and tried to get back together but he started to be with me insted, maybe in first to make this girl jealous. Well that never happened and then he said that he loves me now and we want to marry me and everything like that. All happened really fast and it took only few years from that when we had moved to Vaasa (we met in Helsinki and he's from there, his parents live still there), build a house and got married. I though he had already forgot this old girlfriend but it seams not like that. Now I ask my self that what are happening with us. Okay I know that first love is always first love and you never get over it, it stays with yiu the rest of you life and you will always remember it.

Now me self started to think do I really love my dear husband or is it something else what I feel, like friendship and everything like that. We never felt this wonderful passioned feeling of love and happiness when we met eath other. I was like okay this is a gay who I want to know little better and I had just moved to Helsinki and felt little bit lonely. I had my friends from the new workplace and my cousins but I felt like I need little bit more and his car was so wonderful that I was thinkig like this is might be a interesting guy. I almost left him few times but we moved together and he sold all my things so fast that I didn't know where to go if we would have separated. Well like this it went few years and then he wanted to have some change in his life and we moved to my hometown Vaasa and here we have been after that. I think I might love him and I would never leave him but sometimes I do get irritated on him and I am like thinking this is not a happy life. I know that he gets often very irritated and angry on me too. 

I have actually never felt this passionate love what so many people are talking about, not even then when I was younger and change boyfriends like a gypsy change his shirt (that's a old saying here in Finland). I never like could die for anyone, I was only thinking it's so fun to get to know someone little better. I left them and they left me and always I found someone new who I "fall in love with" and forget the last one. My husband is the longest relationship that I have had and I have like get to use with him and I couldn't leave him and I also know that if I would leave him I could loose everything, the house, yarden, my parents house and everything else what I have (and what is for sure mine) because he's a very angry person who want to hurt everyone who is some how hurting him. I have notice that in these years what we have been together and of his sayings. This is little bit like fraudulent because he gets very angry when someone hurts him mentaly but he does it daily with me and he's not even caring of it. Like few years ago I notice his hobby saving porn pictures on his computer and I said to him that I don't like this because the pictures was not nice. I think that  little porn is ok and some of the pictures might even be very beautiful but there pictures was not like that, they was very dreadful and I said like no way not pictures like this. He promised that he will take them off from the computer and surf only on the better porn websites but he's still doing the thing I said no to and taking these awful pictures. He's always on these webistes when he can. I don't understand, doesn't he think I am enough.....

I never though I will be in this situation asking what love is. I do love my parents and cats, even the fish and I would be in very bad shape if something happens to them and I would do everything for them but would I be like this with my husband. I don't know.... I just remember how I felt when he was taken in to hospital and I wasn't that nervous and oly wanted to go home and finally take my dear cat with me (my cat's are not living with us because my hubby don't want to have animals and I am a real animal lover, I would have a zoo if I could) but it might be because I have self worked as a nurce so I know what happens at hospitals and that he was in good hands there so.... I do care of him a lot I know that and he's my best friend too because otherwise he never could hurt me like he's doing but love, I don't know..... How do you know if you love someone ?

Now when I open the door I have to complate little bit more so plase if you start to get bored with this text you can leave but I think like I feel to get everything out now so maybe after that everything will get better in our marriage and I'll understand my husband little better..... hey guys who are out there please explain for me this porn thing or if there some woman who have also expariense this, please tell me how did you cope with it ?

Okay here the complation continues again... sorry.... I know it's not fun to read only complations.... We have always done things in his way and his hobby and feelings are more important than mine. I know I did a bad thing in the bening of our relationship when I let him steer me like he wanted to but I am like that. I am very kind person who hates to dispute and it's so much easier to go along and do everything like he wants because then he's so much happier and nice. When I sometimes try to say NO or do as I like things he's very bad in mough and says nasty things of everything. After that I feel like it was my fault again, wierd . I never thought I will feel like this because I am a only child who is use to get everything and all the love from my parents and now I am like a door thresholds who you can walk over if you want .

I try to do thinks my way now I promise that and I also try to keep my heads up and argue with him to get things in my ways too (maybe that's why he again started to dream of his old girlfriend... or maybe he have done it the whole time but I didn't know about it before) . Like when I went back to school I argue with him about it for one whole year and then I only went and sign for few courses and now I have been there for 2,5 years and he's okay with it only complates that it goes so much more money on my school and less on his Rally (where I put a lot of money from my salary....). It's always like that I have to argue with him of everything what I like and he always says NO (he want to keep me in very short strap and control everything, I don't know why because if he still dreams about this old girlfiend and want to have her back, he could self go and be with her without caring what I think so do he think I might do the same or what is this for something, I don't actually know....). Like when I asked if I can have a own website like he have, he said very strong no so I started to write a blog insted and won't say to him anything  then our harmonius marrieage is blooming again. It will do it everytime when my dear hubby is happy and getting things like he wants. I am not that important in his eyes.

Okay now I stop campaltin and only ask, what would you do in this situation ? i won't leave him that is for sure but what else can I do ?